In one day my world changed.

My experience of Postpartum Psychosis.

Although apprehensive about watching Eastenders over the coming weeks, it is a huge relief that Postpartum Psychosis will be brought out of the shadows.

I have a lot of admiration for Lacey Turner who plays Stacey in Eastenders for working with experts to portray this very misunderstood mental illness which can happen to any woman following childbirth.

Twenty one years ago to now I was awaiting the arrival of my son who was due on new years eve.I was a newly qualified nurse and everything in my life was exciting. I was happy, confident, always cheerful and took everything in my stride.

When my son was born I was over the moon. I had everything in my life I could possibly wish for. I looked at my beautiful baby and could not believe he was mine.

The first six days of my sons life were the happiest days of my life. I was so elated I could not sleep. I was very talkative and emotional which I put down to exhaustion following the birth.

After three nights of no sleep a midwife on the maternity ward said she would take my baby into the nursery so I could have some sleep. When I had the chance to sleep I couldn’t sleep. Instead of sleeping when I had the chance I was writing poems in the middle of the night! I also phoned my Gran to tell her how much I loved her about 4am. I had got used to surviving on very little sleep during my pregnancy. I was thrown in at the deep end when I qualified as a nurse and I used to drag myself to work after very little sleep. I was sick throughout my pregnancy and often worked for seven nights in a row, with very little sleep and being sick several times a day. I was very deprived of sleep.

I somehow used to thrive on very little sleep.When I could not sleep following childbirth I was almost too well and didn't know there was anything wrong. I wandered into the wrong rooms on the ward and the buttons on my pyjamas were all fastened wrong but I put this down to tiredness.I was discharged from hospital after five days and I did not feel ready to go home. I was struggling with breastfeeding and was very sore. I also had difficulty passing water as I had a deep cut as my son was born with his hand on his head and cut me with his nails when he was born.

The first night at home was scary. Trying to do everything, there was no time to sleep. Even when I did have the chance to sleep I couldn’t switch off my mind to go to sleep. At 6am I was still awake and decided to go downstairs, make a warm drink and try to relax and hopefully sleep. When I sat up in bed I could see lights before my eyes and I thought my mind was packing up due to lack of sleep.I put the kettle on and then put the television on. I thought if I relaxed and watched a bit of television then I should be able to relax and hopefully sleep.

The early morning news was on the television and I saw myself and my family on the news as clear as anything. The news reader told the story of the girl who won the lottery and didn’t know she had won. There was a photo of me and my family with my son the day he was born. The headline was “the girl who won the lottery and did not know she had won”, the newsreader went on to say that someone put my numbers on for me when I went into labour and I won but did not know I had won.

I then shouted my Mum who was staying with us for one night and she came downstairs. I told her to sit down and take deep breaths as she was going to have a shock. I really believed I had won the lottery and I was pointing to the television saying look, we have won the lottery.

My Mum looked at me and then looked at the television and was very confused. She then went upstairs to get my partner. When my Mum went upstairs I knew there was something very wrong as I was seeing lights and hearing things.

I dialled an ambulance as I knew something was very wrong. The paramedics arrived and asked me questions such as who is the Prime Minister to see if I was with it! They told my family to call the midwife out. A community midwife came out and she knew straight away what was wrong. I am very lucky that she knew what it was. She told my family I had Postpartum Psychosis. She explained to my Mum it is a severe postnatal mental illness and that I would recover.

None of us had ever heard of it even though my husband and I were both health professionals.

I remember going to the GP surgery, still thinking I had won the lottery. My GP was dressed very smartly and I thought she had dressed up for the cameras who were filming about me winning the lottery.

I asked if I could lie on the couch in the GP’s room as I was so exhausted. I was living in Leicester at the time and there were no beds in the Mother and Baby Unit and I was admitted without my baby who was then six days old to a very scary looking old fashioned Psychiatric hospital where I had worked as a student nurse two years previously. It looked like a haunted house.

I recognised some of the staff and patients on the ward. I knew where I was and knew I had just had a baby but didn’t know why I was there. I was given what I can only describe as mind numbing drugs as my thoughts were racing. When I walked into the lounge on the ward, a lady did a cartwheel and another patient threw herself on the floor.

I was given a bed at the bottom of a dormitory. I was separated from my six day old baby. I was so confused and frightened and believed things were happening that weren’t really happening. I then saw my husband on the television being wheeled into an ambulance and I switched off the television that people were watching as I was very scared by what I was seeing.

I sat on a chair next to my bed at the end of the dormitory and was crying so much that I was sick. I couldn’t work out what was happening. I called out to the nurses and a nurse stamped down the dormitory and said “Shut up Sarah, just shut up and go to sleep”. I was terrified and I thought I had died. I could not work out if I was dead or alive. I just needed someone to tell me what was happening.

I had what I can only describe as a near death experience. I saw lights above me and was thrashing around as I felt my life slipping away from me. I was shouting out I can’t die, I’ve just had a baby and want to see him grow up.

The confusion of not knowing what was real and what was not real was terrifying.

The trauma of being sectioned in a psychiatric hospital and separated from my baby was the worst mental anguish imaginable. I can only describe it as mental torture.

I spent three terrifying weeks there. At one time I thought the staff were trying to kill me. I thought the anaesthetist who gave me an epidural when I was in labour, I thought he had made a mistake and put the needle in the wrong place which I thought had affected me like a stroke.I did exercises to try to rehabilitate myself as I thought I had a weakness down one side due to the stroke. I thought the staff on the ward were going to kill me so I wouldn’t sue them.

I was hysterical when my dad and partner tried to go home that night as I was convinced the staff were going to kill me.

There was a lovely healthcare assistant who I used to work with when I was a student and I asked her to stay by my side all night and make sure they didn’t kill me. I drifted off to sleep briefly and when I woke up she was still sitting by my side. She was an amazing, wonderful woman who calmed me down when I was so frightened and really believed they were going to kill me.

There were several weeks of scary delusions and strong beliefs that things were happening which were not really happening. I did not know what was real and what was not real. I thought everyone could read my mind and see my thoughts, I tried not to think certain thoughts as I believed people could see my thoughts.

I thought a patient was one of my best friends dressed up as a patient. When I said my friends name, the patient said her name was Helen, not my friends name. I then said Pis@ off then Helen! I did and said things which were totally out of character.

When my partner arrived on the ward one day I had got a pair of American tan tights (I used to help a patient put her tights on), I had put the tights on over my clothes and was pulling them up very high towards my neck. My husband said what are you doing? I said hurry up Mark, get your arse into gear, we’re getting married in an hour” he then said “ Not in those you’re not”!

I used to think that things happening on the television were about me. I thought when doctors were talking to other patients, I thought they were talking to me. They asked an elderly lady to show them her front teeth and I pulled up my top lip to show them my teeth!

A midwife came to visit me and took my blood pressure. She told me to lie on my bed as my blood pressure was very low. I then had a flashback to when I was in labour and when my epidural was topped up my blood pressure dropped to a very low level. When I saw on the monitor what my BP was I thought for a split second I was going to die.

I went down to the nurses office as I was worried that my BP was very low and asked if they could check it again. The sister carried on with her paper work and I started running around the ward saying she was trying to kill me.

I went home after three weeks on the Psychiatric ward. I begged the Doctor’s to let me go home. I said my Mum and my partner would look after me and make sure I went back to the hospital twice a week for the ward rounds.

I was still very unwell when I went home. I thought all the cars on the road were crashing into us and tried to get out of the moving car. I had very severe side effects of the medication and woke up shaking thinking I was having a fit. My partner was exhausted and told me to go back to sleep. I was so scared I went to see my Mum in the next room. My Mum calmed me down, talked me through it and explained it was the side effects of the medication making me shake and that I had not had a fit. My Mum always explained to me what was real and what was not real. She kept saying trust your Mum. Everything was going wrong physically aswell as mentally. I had an infection in my throat, an infection in my womb, I had sores all around my mouth due to the medication causing my mouth to be dry and sore.

The first six says of my sons life were the happiest days of my life and then on Friday 13th January, 1995 my life changed forever. The happiest days of my life turned into the worst days of my life overnight. I still think of it as the day I lost me.

In the seven years me and my ex husband were together I never saw him cry. He told me months down the line that he broke down in tears when I was first admitted to the psychiatric hospital. He talked to one of the nurses and said he had lost me.

He was right although I did not realise it at the time. I did recover and I have managed to work, bring up my son and have lived a functional life but I still miss the person I was. I am closer now than I have ever been to being my old self but it has been a very gradual process.

For the last two decades I have felt so strongly about raising awareness of PP. Everyone should know about Postpartum Psychosis as it can happen to any woman following childbirth. Everyone should also know about APP (Action on Postpartum Psychosis) http://www.app-network.org/ The signs of PP are not always easy to spot as the signs can be confused with exhaustion after the birth and natural feelings of euphoria. Signs of being too well when very sleep deprived is an important warning sign.

These very early warning signs can rapidly escalate and that’s why it’s so important to pick up the signs. Out of character behaviour and unusual beliefs can also be early warning signs.

I really hope the Eastenders storyline will get the very important messages out there. Every pregnant woman and partner should be aware of this so help can be sought quickly and unnecessary tragedies avoided.

There was very little information available when I had PP. There was also very little support for my partner and my family. My Mum and my partner got me through the living hell of PP but there was no-one there for them. Thankfully it is very different now. APP have made massive strides in raising awareness, reducing stigma, providing peer support, research and very useful information guides to help women and families affected by PP. They also have guides to help partners.

The Eastenders storyline combined with APP’s expertise will hopefully promote awareness and understanding of this little known illness and highlight the need for vital Mother and Baby Units. Everyone should know about this illness as it can happen to any woman following childbirth and if everyone knows the signs and can pick them up then lives will be saved. Specialist Mother and Baby Units are essential. Mother's and Baby's can stay together instead of the added trauma of being separated.The right specialist care is needed. Sadly there are not enough Mother and baby Units and many Mum's are admitted to general psychiatric wards and are apart from their newborn babies. I was in a psychiatric ward which was the wrong environment although I am grateful I was safe.

I still look at my son and can’t believe he’s mine! We are the lucky ones. Things wo

uld have been very different if the community midwife had not picked up the signs

I now really hope to take the positives from my experience by making as many people as possible aware of the early warning signs of PP. This illness is treatable and because so little is known about it people are still dying as a result of it not being picked up.

I have started to talk to health professionals about my experience of PP and with my nursing background I hope I can reach many more people to raise awareness, reduce stigma and promote understanding.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder following PP. I started on Lithium medication 19 years ago which I see as a miracle drug. I stabilised within weeks of starting Lithium and have worked as a nurse, brought up my son on my own and managed my illness. For anyone going through this, don’t give up hope. I thought I would never get better and I did.

I have a very strong bond with my son, he has not been affected by any of this. He will be 21 this week and he has grown up to be a happy, caring and truly amazing person, not that I’m biased or anything! I miss him so much now he is in university although fantastic to see him happy and loving life.

If this can help anyone to achieve the right help it would be fantastic.